Kiwi Hobbit via NYC » Long, but worth it

Seriously I have never worked out the near obsessive connection between gay men / lesbians and hardware stores. In NZ it was a Mitre 10 that we nearly owned shares in, in New York it is the Home Depot. Even at 8.30 in the evening, the place it teeming with pumped men carrying hammers and socket sets, and lucious lesbians with 60 litres of paint, rotary saws and vicious attitudes.

As for me, fitting into neither of these stereotyped descriptions, I pottered through the many winding and hidden aisles - finding more treasures than a sex club on heat. So I thought I would share with you the solutions to many of my pending problems, all gathered together for a meazly $15.

First there is the issue of noise in New York. As anyone who lives here appreciates, and simply gets used to, this is one hell of a noisy city - 24 hours a day. So when you live on an intersection that has a NYPD Bomb Squard in the street, is a cross road for emergency services, has rubbish trucks, taxi’s and people that honk just because they can all throughout the night - then you need earplugs to sleep! My first ear plugs caused many problems - they were nasty little things that fell out in the night - meaning you woke up with an almighty honk outside and realised one of your plugs was floating around on the floor. So here we are, I have invested in some luxury earplugs. They even come with a convenient carry box, just in case you need to carry them into the bathroom in the middle of the night - how - convenient.

Aahh yes, the stainless steal benchtop, with stains. Sorry but the cognitive dissonance caused by that concept is too much. I invested in the wonderful restorer of stainless reality. Yes you too can become a virgin again with just a little rub on, rub off cream. You do go through a lot of tissues - I should have also purchased a cloth … we live and learn. I am all shiny again.

Doesn’t it just rip your polyester-cotton-blend-undies, when you roll over in bed at night and there is a “creak”. Well it rips mine (even moreso when an earplug has fallen out and the “creak” is audible as well as physical). So the solution to midnight creaks are these little tightly packed felt pads, now placed in appropriate places under and around my bed. Trust me - I will be like the princess who found the pea, smashed it to bits and dreamt sweet dreams about her prince charming all night.

Ok, I have more pictures sitting on the floor than is good for me. My feng situation needs dealing with and rather than investing in mirrors, I opted for picture hooks. Very little to say about this - oh except for the fact that whoever the hell it is that lives the floor below me has a very low tolerance for people who install picture hooks. After 3 being installed she was at my door again asked how much more noise I intended making. I informed her I intended making enough noise to have my pictures hung, thus restoring my sanity. As I said to her, if I did not do this and ended up in a mad rage, smashing up my apartment and finally slitting my wrists, the end result would be blood-seep through her ceiling - which did she prefer? My pictures and paintings are now hung.

You have to love the purse-pack sized WD-40, a universal godsend to remove stiffness. My door locks have caused me problems, especially when I come home. You stumble into the building with your ipod, a little apricot tart from Patisserie Claude, a cup of coffee from Joe’s, the junk mail from your mail box that all belongs to the previous tenant, your bunch of house keys and the exhaustion of the day on your shoulders. After manouvering the 1930’s elevator, being finally confronted with upper and lower locks that are as stiff as a stiff thing, is simply too much. Hip-hip-hooray for WD-40.

And finally, when I came to NY from NZ, so too did my sexy retro love-lamp (not lava people, strawberry love-lamp). Alas it had the wrong plug fitting (and bulb fitting, but that was another story for another day), so without being able to connect to 110 volt juice, the love simply did not flow. That has finally been resolved today, with my new plugs (yet to be attached - I am knackered after all that shopping and typing). So very soon the strawberry love-lamp with do it magic and make my evenings mellow again.