A New York Kinda Walk
October 29, 2006 11:53 pm
Walking is a way of life in this town - I’ve said it before. Walking epitomizes New Yorkers love affair with themselves (ouch, sorry even that sounds harsh for me! I must have taken a double dose of bitch pill today, sorry about that chaps).
Defending your space on the streets is a constant game to play. So I thought I would share some of the learned techniques for situations when people invade your space, walk into you, or are general pains in the ass in your vicinity.
(1) Cough uncontrollably, or start a sneezing fit (though everyone will say God Bless You - which bothers me, so I avoid that one). Special effect on this one is to begin choking, a New Yorker would cross the other side of the street rather than come near while you are carking it.
(2) Nervous twitches / erratic spasms, especially in confined spaces such as subways - seats clear immediately.
(3) An advanced user technique is talking or arguing with yourself. This takes a little more practice to be convincing. Woman in subway wearing Chanel and laughing and chatting to herself just didn’t cut it - business woman by day, lunatic in transit.
(4) Suddenly stopping while walking down the street. This does little to address people cutting you off on the street, but it is morbidly satisfying to have people slam uncontrollably into you from behind. A more holistic form of protest.
(5) The total avoidance technique. Stay in, order everything in - food, grocery, pharmacy, magazines. Lean out the window if you want to watch eye candy.
(6) Only in America - strap on a proximity flag belt. The belt has protruding flags attached to keep people away - I actually saw this. The lunatic concept works well here.
Well those are my top six, if you have any great ideas let me know - the more the merrier 
One Response to “A New York Kinda Walk”
Personally I suspect that the lunatic concept is something that you could pull off with relative ease. No disrespect (dissing) intended.
Get your self an umberella hat - one of those hat / cap things that have a little open umberella attached to the top of the hat. Wear it ot the subway and read quietly to yourself from an upside down copy of The Watchtower or the latest Pottery Barn catalogue (there is not much difference between the two) and say endlessly to passersby, ‘You have a lovely little dog’ - while gazing towards their shoes (restrict this comment to dogless people) - and then start singing ‘The hills are alive with the sound of music’ very slowly and quietly to yourself and clapping.
I can see you sooooo fitting in to New York.
Care to comment?